<- Check out Part 1

Mov­ing on to the 80’s we almost have the basic foun­da­tion for the three types of vam­pires in major motion pic­tures. The “gang­ster” ones, the “sexy” vamps, and the cry­ba­bies. For the most part the clas­sic Drac­ula story has been twisted and man­gled so far that most vam­pires no longer wear suits as they switched to leather. No longer live in cas­tles but pop­u­late man­sions and sub­ur­bia. Even soon they will lose their main weak­nesses as you will have “day­walk­ers” and vam­pires that can sur­vive a stake through it’s black heart.

The 80’s and 90’s take on vampires.

It all started in a year made famous from a Smash­ing Pump­kins song. Although Count Orlock in this pic­ture kind of resem­bles Billy Cor­gan. The 80’s also fea­tured “Gayrac­ula” which from the title you could eas­ily tell that one is headed straight out of the closet and up to Hillcrest.

The most notable vam­pire movie of this decade would have to be “The Lost Boys”. Don’t agree? Well don’t worry it is just my opin­ion and means almost noth­ing! But I did even go as far as buy­ing the sound­track, in a time when you would actu­ally buy things like that. Funny that the sound­track was the best part of the most recent vam­pire movie.

But of course if you had enough of Mr. Suther­land there are plenty of excel­lent vam­pire movies with that corny / awk­ward 1980’s feel to it. Movies that included a young Nick Cage and of course that one movie with the cruel ele­gance of David Bowie.

On my vam­pire evo­lu­tion chart at the begin­ning of the first part these would more or less be the “Crazy” vam­pires. Espe­cially as we break into the 90’s when the mod­ern day grind­house broth­ers (Taran­tino and Rodriguez) make their own twist on the legend.

I remem­ber 1990 rather vividly, sadly I do not remem­ber Rock­ula. That will change soon, Thanks Net­flix. But I do hap­pen to remem­ber the orig­i­nal Buffy the Vam­pire Slayer which later got taken for a walk down mul­ti­ple tele­vi­sion sea­sons by Joss Whedon .

Samu­rai Vam­pire Bik­ers From Hell sounds like another great movie to add to my Net­flix. Then you finally have Inter­view with a Vam­pire. Which I believe ruined the clas­sic vam­pire. Leave it to Anne Rice to drain the testos­terone out of soci­ety. Luck­ily we have Wes­ley Snipes. Thank you Blade.

Remake after remake.. pussies and a sword wield­ing badass.

Now you had the start of Vam­pire remakes, spin offs, and trilo­gies. Appar­ently when you make one cool vam­pire movie you are oblig­ated to make two movies not as good as the first one.

You have Sub­species (which was straight to video qual­ity to begin with), From Dusk Till Dawn, Blade, Under­world, and Twi­light. With all of the first movies being good (except for twi­light as it was osten­ta­tious enough to be called a Saga after the first movie was released). Note that a saga is : “a long story of heroic achieve­ment”  cry­ing over a hot teenager and fill­ing the­aters full of tweens with sex­ual ten­sion is not very heroic.

Then as it gets to lunchtime and I am get­ting bored of writ­ing this. You have a lot of T&A filled movies like Blood­Rayne and Ultra­vi­o­let. For some real enter­tain­ment just get Les­bian Vam­pire Killers. I Am Leg­end is cool and fur­ther type cast’s Will Smith into “I’m a bro­ken man but I have some dark humor” role (Seven Pounds, Pur­suit of Hap­py­ness, etc).

Let’s see what else:

David Bore­anaz is you are a vam­pire (Angel) how are you so god­damn tan?

Edward if you are a bitch you prob­a­bly won’t get the girl anyways.

Day­break­ers looks like it is tak­ing the I Am Leg­end approach with a zom­bie vam­pire plague.

There are a bunch of Vam­pire TV shows out there that I haven’t watched. Should I?

Van Hells­ing kind of sucked but def­i­nitely used the T&A aspect of vamp movies.

They should make another Blade movie with­out pro­fes­sional wrestlers and come­di­ans try­ing to be action stars.

But if you do not want to beat around the bush (or maybe you do) you can catch this list of vam­pire movies (not safe for work!)  kind of like Lust for Drac­ula which will not leave you hang­ing and has no sex­ual tension.

Okay so after going over a cen­turies span of Vam­pire movies I even­tu­ally referred every­one to watch vam­pire porn movies. Did I just inval­i­date one hun­dred years worth of film in some twisted way or are we just perverts?

If you were actu­ally won­der­ing it is both.

Vampire’s have been in movies for just as long as there has been film’s pro­jected on the sil­ver screen. We will take you through a brief tour of the his­tory and evo­lu­tion of vam­pires and how the pro­gressed from Classy => Scary => Sleazy => Crazy => Vagina Faces.

Vam­pires from the early 1900’s

Three years before the turn of the cen­tury Bram Stoker wrote “Drac­ula” fur­ther pop­u­lar­iz­ing the vam­pire folk­lore. Since then over 170 tried (and suc­ceeded) in ruin­ing what he created.

Early silent film days pro­duced movies like “The Vam­pire” and “A Fool there was”. Now these vamp’s were the kind that you would head out to Vegas with, check into the Bel­la­gio, and have a night on the town. The start of the “classy” vampire.

Count Orlock in the Ger­man film Nos­fer­atu is prob­a­bly one of the great­est Vam­pires. Cross­ing the line between “classy” and “mutant” vampires.

All in all it was a very suc­cess­ful “unau­tho­rized adap­ta­tion” of Bram Stoker’s Drac­ula. But steal­ing story idea’s wasn’t the only thing the German’s were up to in the 1920’s.

Most of the copies of this film were destroyed and a few escaped to later be restored. Mas­sive destruc­tion and try­ing to escape Ger­many. This sounds all too familiar.

The 1930’s and 40’s pro­duced many adap­ta­tions of “Drac­ula” some were good and some were ter­ri­ble then oth­ers ter­ri­ble but in a good way.

In these years Drac­ula died and came back to life sev­eral times, had a kid, and then would live in count­less other movies.

It was not until the 60’s and 70’s would we see the evo­lu­tion­ary push towards more sex­ual and vio­lent vam­pire films.

The 60’s and 70’s saw the first major change in Vampires.

Next you would have Christo­pher Lee who became the next Drac­ula in the 50’s and sur­pris­ingly looks a lot like Chris­t­ian Bale on “Amer­i­can Psycho”.

After no one could really match Mr. Lee they decided to take the whole vam­pire genre, drop some acid, and see what came to mind. Here is what did:

• Les­bian Vampires
• Kung Fu Vampires
• Gay Vam­pires
• Red­neck Vampires
• Rock n Roll Vampires
• Zom­bie Vam­pires (ala I Am Legend)
• Vam­pire Tour Guide
• Andy Warhol’s Dracula
• Count Choc­ula Cereal came out in the 70’s
• Vam­pire themed porn
• Vam­pire Cowboy’s
• Vam­pire Dog’s

You can see two of the three mod­ern adap­tions of Vam­pires come from this genre. First you have my man Blac­ula who would be part of the Blax­ploita­tion film genre and would even­tu­ally evolve into Blade.

Next you have the two lovely ladies of Vampy­ros Les­bos who would even­tu­ally lead to the fact that you would either need beau­ti­ful women as Vam­pires or as Vam­pire hunters seen in later films and Tele­vi­sion series.

The last mod­ern type of Vam­pire which is the “vagina face” would solely be cre­ated by Tom Cruise and basi­cally brushes on the emo­tional woes of being per­ma­nently attrac­tive and immor­tal. Let’s eat birds for fun.

We will get into the leg­endary vam­pires of the 80’s as well is the more mod­ern inter­pre­ta­tions later in Part 2.